Life Happens

My mom ended up on life-support on Saturday night. She was weaned off of it Sunday and was completely off Sunday night. She is apparently going home today. John and I went up (to Oroville) on Sunday when I found out about it. I went hesitantly. There were so many thoughts going through my head: She probably did this to herself, and doesn't deserve the attention ... mixed with, if I don't go, then will I regret if I never get a chance to say goodbye? I really wanted someone to tell me how to feel because I really had no clue what to feel.

I found out that she drank a 1/3 of a 40 (beer) and laid down at 3pm on Saturday. Her ex/boyfriend/fiancé (Billy is his name - not sure what to call him anymore) went in at 6pm to wake her up and she wouldn't wake up. She was breathing, but was "lifeless" otherwise. He called the ambulance and she was put on life-support. They wouldn't tell him much about anything. I got his and my grandparents' messages on Sunday morning because I didn't take my phone to the birthday party I attended on Saturday and didn't check my phone until Sunday morning.

John called in to his work and said there was a family emergency and we took off to Oroville (about a 4 hour drive one-way). My grandparents were already on their way. While driving up there, Billy was calling me with little updates: They said they are weaning her off the machine, she's responding well - fluttering eyes and nodding every once in a while; they found meth in her system and I have no idea where she got it ... she hangs out with my sister and step mom and they smoke pot, but that is it.....

I was starting to regret even trying to make the trip out there at that point. I was angry. We were already more than halfway there though. When I got there, my grandparents were around but I couldn't find them. John and I went to see her. I touched her hand, and her eyes fluttered but that was it. We left after a minute or two. We talked to one of the nurses who just told me what Billy said (minus the part about the meth). I wanted to ask but I didn't really want to hear it at that point. We left and went to try to find my grandparents.

We found them in one of the waiting rooms. My grandmother went in with John and I again. She said she got her to open her eyes for a second and to nod, so she was going to show me. We went in and my mom would barely flutter her eyes. My grandmother said she feels she was ignoring us. The nurses agreed. My grandmother asked about the meth and we were told that she did have it in her system and the nurse assured us that she would not going to leave the hospital without a stern lecture. The nurse hugged me and said she was so sorry. I just smiled - I know there isn't anything anyone can do. She has to do it on her own.

We left my grandparents there. My grandfather was convinced that someone in Billy's family gave her the meth and he was going to confront him about it. I didn't want to be around when that happened. My grandparents said they would stay the night. When John and I left, I was numb. I still had no clue how to feel. I was angry at myself for allowing myself to drop my day to come, and angry at her for slipping into old habits, and sad for her too. Yesterday, I got a call at work from Billy saying she was awake and that I could call her if I wanted to. That didn't happen. She wouldn't have wanted to talk to me anyway.

This morning, I got a call from her and I ignored it. She called again and I coached myself on just listening to her and not allowing myself to blow up at her because it will only feed my anger and not do any good. She denied taking the meth. She was asking the nurse if there was something she could have eaten that had meth in it because she had no idea how she got it. She could be telling the truth. She could have forgotten she had taken it when her body shut down ... she also could have smoked some pot with it in there and not know it. Either way, she is an addict and is on mental meds. She shouldn't be drinking or smoking/taking any illegal substances anyway.

Today I feel more relaxed. I was able to let go of my anger and replace it with an understanding that this person is really sick and it is sad. I'm not even thinking of her as my mother. I'm actually removed from the situation ... or feel removed.

Sunday made my motivation to move out of California even stronger. I wanted nothing else but to get out of CA. I was envious of my brother who lives in New Mexico because he wasn't expected to come out and deal with this stuff. I am happy that I'll be in Arkansas next week for a few days, it will give me a break. Judy, from Alabama, told me that she can't bring anyone on board for another month or so. I took the news a little hard yesterday, but I keep telling myself that it is probably better this way. I have stuff planned in July and this ensures that I can still keep those plans. It'll all work out in the end.